Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
