we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Farmville is her only friend.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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