Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
