im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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