i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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