woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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