Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
