matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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