I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
