I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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