Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
