We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
