I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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