Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
