Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize