After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
