Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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