I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
