I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
