Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
