thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
