She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
