I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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