I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
