She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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