I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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