we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
