She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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