did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
50% drunk capacity currently
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
