She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
