Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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