did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
