She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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