I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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