I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
