I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The power of my boobs compel you
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
