it's not cheating when I paid for it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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