There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
