This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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