I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Shame is for Republicans.
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