so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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