i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
