I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
