too bad you live with your parents still
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
