My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
