I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
