your thong is hanging out like whoa
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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