I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Randomize
