Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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