how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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