did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
