someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
