ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
