my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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