I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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