Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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