i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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