I am puke
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize