The maid of honor just puked.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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